I feel like I’m slowly drowning

Crying. Seems like a normal way a person would react when they’re too upset, not in the best mood or feeling super stressed out. Well, there’s millions of reason why a person would cry, I just listed a few.

But for me. I can’t cry. Not when I’m upset or stressed out, not when I feel like it. I just can’t. Since young, ‘crying’ seemed to be something that is a taboo in my family. My parents would scold me and my siblings if we were to cry. They would react in a way where we feel threatened as if they are going to punish us.  

So when I couldn’t cry, I feel a sense of loss as I had no idea how to let out my emotions the way “normal people” would. It made it seemed as I lacked empathy even though I was feeling really upset, especially if it concerns someone else. I had no source of an outlet, I had to carry the feeling of sadness, anger and loneliness. Something I knew would not be as heavy as to what most people mention, ‘Crying helps’.

When I am the verge of tears, or even when I have already teared up, I always find myself having to shut myself up in case anyone hears me. But then, I always think about why am I so afraid of something that’s natural and uncontrollable. I have to wait till everyone at home is asleep before I could let myself cry, I had to cry softly as I’m scared my parents would shout at me again.

I am still looking out for other alternatives to let those negative feelings out. I feel like I could depend on a few I have on hand, like expressing my feelings out and talking about it to someone. But I feel like I’m slowly drowning.

Why can’t I cry freely? What’s wrong with crying?