I’m fighting it all the time

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety around 2 years ago. But truthfully I probably have been struggling with it for about 8 years now. Growing up, I used to get panic attacks just raising my hand to answer questions in class. In fact, I never did raise my hand. It was being called to answer a question that would send my heart pounding like crazy. I thought it was normal. Thankfully that abated with time, although my general anxiety still persisted.

People always say that I don’t look like I have depression. What they don’t understand is that there really isn’t a “look” for depression. I always have to put up a facade, so that people around me would not worry. I feel guilty for every single thing and the self-hatred I have towards myself is overwhelming. My mind always goes into overdrive and I can’t do anything to stop it from producing negative thoughts. I’ve been admitted for depression several times now. I’ve been through electroconvulsive therapy and other alternative treatments several times too.

I’m almost ready to give up, with my depression being so treatment resistant, but I know that I need to keep on fighting. If not for myself, then for my parents who have been so supportive throughout this whole time. It is an ongoing battle – one that most people don’t see on the surface, but I’m fighting it all the time.

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