It still hurts me so deeply inside

Recently I went to visit a Chinese Medicine doctor to see if she could help me with conceiving. She came highly recommended by a friend who successfully and easily conceived with her advice. She appeared to be very knowledgeable and experienced when she spoke. 

My monthly period cycles have never been consistent since it first started, and I also revealed I had been diagnosed with schizophrenia at about the age of 24. But it was 10 years ago and I have been doing very well with medication, holding a full time job and doing well for all those 10 years.

The doctor frowned at me and struggled but in the end said that doctors like her usually advise people like me not to have children. Having children she says, is not that easy. There’s the risk of postpartum depression, not to mention all the stress from taking care of a child for so many, many years. Nevertheless, since I wanted, and since I look stable, she will give me some medicine and try to help.

What she said seemed truth but it still hurts me so deeply inside, I controlled myself till I got home, and then the torrents of tests came. Is it wrong to want children? After all, a marriage also is two people and not just me. I guess it’s time to hope beyond hope again.