This illness has affected my whole life

I was recently diagnosed with a mental illness called Cyclothymia. Cyclothymia is a rare mental illness which affects only 1% of the population. It is when one experiences a period of hypomania and dysthymia (emotional highs and lows) and it may come in waves.

Growing up, I was always called as an ’emo’ kid by my sisters and they could not understand my moods. There was a period where I was highly optimistic, creating goals and plans to achieve great things, but there was also a period where I would cry in bed without any reason, or totally become numb from overwhelming emotions, or even fantasize about suicide and how it would be easy if I could just end my train of thoughts. Because of this, I often felt that I was alone with my own thoughts and I could not confide in anyone without being judged.

For many years, I felt lost and confused with how my moods and feelings were and I was worried about how it was affecting me. Many people could not understand when I shared my experiences with them, as they deemed me as ‘normal’ – I was able to get good grades and able to perform well in work as well. But, that’s the thing about Cyclothymia. Sometimes, it makes you believe that you’re okay (most of the time during the period of hypomania) but once the depression crashes in, you’re back to square one.

In 2018 this year, I was faced with one of the worst depressive moods where suicidal thoughts would keep coming into my mind. I was afraid for my life, that I would no longer be able to have the mental capacity to fight those dark thoughts and succumb to taking my own life. After 6 years, I mustered the courage and went to see the doctor regarding my illness. I was skeptical about taking medication for my illness, I often would skip it, believing that I do not need to rely on pharmaceutical drugs to improve my mental state. After various meetings with a psychiatrist and psychologist, i decided that I should give therapy and medication a chance.

Being in therapy and having a medical record has given me more anxiety as I am afraid that people would find out about my mental condition. I am afraid of judgements and how I won’t be able to get a job if i were to declare my mental illness. I believe I am capable of holding down a job, but the lack of awareness people have regarding Cyclothymia saddens and worries me.

It has not been an easy journey, and up till now, I am still trying to cope. I fall countless of times, into the dark abyss of depression, and into the illusion of how I’m all better and how I do not need any medication or help to be okay. The feeling of instability frustrates me. This illness has affected my whole life, my self-esteem and my relationships. But it does not mean I should stop trying to be better and climb back up. I still hope for the day where I can achieve stability in life and where I can climb out of this cycle.