I was crumbling and buckling

Earlier this year, I was hit hard with the realisation that I would have to do my O-levels this year. I had taken a break year last year due to anxiety and depression getting the better of me.I was riddled with self-doubt, hatred, frustration and a mess of other emotions.

On top of that, I had come out as nonbinary and knew that most of my family aside from my cousins and parents didn’t accept me as they are Muslim. They still don’t accept me till this day. I was crumbling and buckling under the sheer pressure of it all and I decided I had enough.

I took all the money from my little money box under my desk and used it to buy a shirt and get a haircut. I sat in my room, played my favourite song and took 10 Panadol extra pills, swallowing them down with milk, my favourite drink. The music drifted through my head – I had a song playing on a loop – and I could feel my head getting airy and light and my stomach grumbling in disagreement. The light seemed too bright and I could barely sit.

Later, I had dinner with my family and while eating I vomited everything out, including the pills. Even if I had fully consumed those pills, I wouldn’t have been able to kill myself, the dose was too little. I survived that night and got the worst stomach ache in the days afterwards.

I knew I was meant to make it through 2018 and that God, or somebody, gave a fuck about me. I knew that I mattered and that I wouldn’t go down that easily. I’m about 2 months clean of self-harm so there’s that to celebrate. 🙂 I used a box-cutter to scratch my left arm and my left heel. It hurt but at least I could see where it hurt – it was tangible pain.

I’m meant to walk on this earth and do great things – and you are too. We’re all placed on this earth for a reason, and dammit, we are gonna fulfil that purpose.

We can get through this together. I’m supporting whoever you are no matter what. I’m still in a depressive rut but I’m trying to dig myself out. I love myself and I can achieve my dreams. <3


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