I feel so alone in this battle

I tried to kill myself just about a year ago. I never intended to make it to my 19th birthday but I did and until now I still ask myself, why hadn’t I try harder that time? If I had ended everything in one go, I would have been free from all the pain and suffering. I didn’t choose to be depressed yet sometimes the people around me talk to me as if I chose to be this way. I would do anything to stop feeling like this too. I have stopped living long ago, doing just the bare minimum to survive. I now drink more than I ever used to and my self-harm behavior is getting out of control but I’m doing whatever I can to help me get through just one more day. I saw how my first ever attempt broke the people around me and this is the only reason why I’m still trying so hard to hold on. If I could die without hurting anyone around me, I would do it without a second thought. I honestly don’t know how long I can go before I attempt again and I feel so alone in this battle.