I was embarrassed to tell people about my self doubt and insecurity. Almost everyday, I would scroll through social media and look at girls to see how pretty they look or how cool they dress up. I wanted and tried to be like them, but I know that I was just being pretentious, being someone that I’m not.
This self consciousness is also stopping me from pursuing my passion; how I feel that I’ll never be good enough. I feel like a useless and unproductive zombie everyday at work. In fact, I feel that I’m not good at anything at all – in my career, in my passion, in my relationship, how I am awkward around my own friends. I feel useless. I was prescribed antidepressants and I went back for it a few times. This went on for two years, until I had a bad episode and was diagnosed with depression. I was referred to a psychiatrist whom I avoided. I felt like I was troubling my loved ones with my own internal issues and I hated that.
Things went downhill within a few months, and my thoughts were eating my brains. I started overdosing on pills. One, two, three times. I liked how it made me feel lost, dazed and sleepy and it took away my thoughts. However on my last overdose, it led me to harm myself further by slitting my wrist.
I felt alone even though my loved ones were just a call away. I felt stuck in the moment but I needed to snap myself out of it and get help. I brought myself to IMH where I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder. When my antidepressants were my main coping mechanism, I wasn’t allowed any after being discharged from the hospital.
Till this day, I still struggle to cope with my thoughts and not having pills to depend on.