I’m grateful for every day I live

I just want to start by saying: To students who struggle with mental issues, I believe that keeping a gratitude journal, documenting every happy thought/action done to or from you will help. I know it’s tough… but we won’t win this battle if we don’t take action ourselves. Think positive, fill yourself with positive friends and give yourself a year to heal and don’t make rash decisions.

It all started in Secondary 3 when I got a really high leadership position in school. Given such high status, with no idea what I’m about to face, I honestly was crushed to the very bottom. I survived 1.5 years of being rejected from adults. I thought that teachers would always be there for you… but they had their own workload to care for, instead of caring for their students’ issues. I’m thankful for my friends who have seen my ugly sore eyes from long hours of crying. But the pain doesn’t not stop there. I started having anger issues because things did not go my way. Not only that, during my O’Level journey, I started having anxiety, mood swings, nervous breakdowns and depression (I searched the symptoms on the internet). 

I thought that I wasn’t good enough because I did not perform up to expectations, when I had my leadership position, it led me to think I was a failure in my academics. It wasn’t true… but looking back, maybe if only I had a trusted adult I could talk to in school, one that would hear me out and give me advice on how I should deal with growing up into adulthood, I believed I would have manage my mental health better. Also, I thought that after I finished O’Levels, I’ll be happier and carefree. Honestly, no. I’ve had nightmares of not doing well for O’s and it hurts so much. I don’t know will I get the result I worked endlessly for.

I cry every now and then, alone, and no one sees this side of me. I don’t dare to speak up too because people’s attitude and tone definitely don’t show they want to hear me out. I don’t even know how should I go and get my mental health checked because I certainly wouldn’t want my parents to know that their child is sick and this child is losing himself/herself piece by piece. I’m grateful for my family, yet I’m sorry if the situation gets out of hand and I ever commit suicide.

I’m grateful for every day I live. The pain and thoughts come and go, but I’ll stay strong.